The first 10 minutes of a new small group can decide whether someone ever comes back. Most of the time we’re not unkind. We’re just careless. We make a joke, everyone laughs, and without realizing it we’ve told the new person, “You’re not one of us.”
People are different. While that statement may sound like a firm grasp of the obvious, consider its implications for small group dynamics.
In the early meetings of a new small group, participants often seek connections through icebreaker questions. Inevitably, we discover during these exercises that people are different. How we respond to those differences impacts the future community. I’ve learned to employ what I call the “Rule of In”.
Rule of In
Before speaking, ask: “Will my words rule this person into the circle or rule them out?”
If my response implies the information revealed is alien, I isolate the newcomer, ruling them outside the circle.
If my response indicates the information is so interesting everyone wants to know more, I include the newcomer, ruling them inside the circle.
Your tone sometimes tells them, “You belong here,” or, “You’re the weird one.” People remember that.
Of course, I learned the “Rule of In” the hard way. I made a humorous comment at a newcomer’s expense only to discover when she failed to return that I had wounded her.
At first, I rationalized my mistake by saying I hoped humor would make everyone comfortable. Unfortunately, it made everyone comfortable except her. We laughed and bonded over how different she was. I sought her out to apologize, but she never felt completely comfortable in my small group and ultimately dropped out. I had branded her as different and she could never forget it.
How to “Rule Someone In”: Affirm, Then Inquire
Affirm: Signal that what they shared has value.
- “That’s really interesting.”
- “Wow, that sounds challenging.”
- “I love that you’re working on that.”
- “Fascinating. I’ve never heard that before.”
Inquire: Invite them to tell more, and show that you (and by extension, the group) are curious.
- “How did you get into that?”
- “What’s been the hardest part?” / “What do you enjoy about it?”
- “What have you learned so far?”
- “Give me an example.”
When you affirm and inquire, you send the message: “We want you here. You’re safe her
Ruling Someone Out
Newcomer: I’m working on a Ph.D dissertation on the effect of tariff-rate quotas on international stock markets.
Leader (sarcastically): Oh yeah, I was just talking about that last night at dinner. Weren’t we all?
Subliminal message: I’m never going to understand what you just said and I don’t care enough to try. (Ruled out.)
The group has bonded over the shared laughter. But like musical chairs, the newcomer is left standing outside the circle. She just shared something she was passionate enough about to make her life’s work and she’s learned she is too different to fit in.
Ruling Someone In
Newcomer: I’m working on a Ph.D dissertation on the effect of tariff-rate quotas on international stock markets.
Leader: Wow! I’m not sure I understood what you said, but we have a lot of economists in our academic town who would love to talk about that with you.
Subliminal message: There are a lot of people like you here in this group. (Ruled in.)
In addition to your words, pay attention to your tone of voice and body language. If you sound mocking or insincere, or include eye-rolls or wide-eyed looks, you sabotage your efforts.
I saw the “rule of in” skillfully done when introducing a newcomer to a campus pastor. When the newcomer said he loved strategy board games, I cringed. I thought this pastor would roll his eyes, because the pastor was an ex-football player who saw no value in non-physical games.
I was wrong. He responded: “A lot of folks here play Settlers of Catan? Do you like that game? Let me introduce you to one of them.”
Not only did he rule the newcomer in, he drew the newcomer further into the circle.
Practical rule: Your job as a leader is not to be like them. Your job is to connect them.
Quick Cheat Sheet for Your Next Meeting
- Do: Smile, affirm, and ask a follow-up question.
- Do: Look for ways to connect that person to someone else in the room.
- Don’t: Use sarcasm that makes the group laugh at their expense.
- Don’t: Call their interest “weird,” “intense,” “nerdy,” or “not my thing,” even if you mean it playfully.
People will forget 90% of the small talk. They will not forget whether they felt inside or outside.
If you’re starting a new small group, here’s a set of sample set of group ground rules you can use or adapt. It will save you a lot of awkwardness later.
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Photo Odd Man Out taken by Jessie Pearl and used here under Flickr Creative Commons.
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